Monday, October 31, 2011
Spooky, Scary: The 39th Annual Village Halloween Parade on NY1
At the urging of my good friend Kris Lo Presto -- and for the first time since 2008 -- I decided to do a running diary of the 39th annual Village Halloween Parade on NY1. Enjoy!
8:00: Pat Kiernan has apparently replaced John Schuimo as host of the festivities, thus ensuring this broadcast will be 95 percent more professional than years past, but also 95 percent less hilarious.
8:01: Pat is dressed as Clyde Barrow from the upcoming Broadway production of Bonnie & Clyde. Product placement, FTW!
8:02: "The theme for tonight is eye of the beholder and I've actually -- can you believe it? -- found an eye right next to me. What are you dressed as?" Stephanie Simon, traffic reporter, says without irony.
8:03: Roger Clark is Stacee Jaxx from Rock of Ages, an ever-so-timely costume. "Back off and you can see my pants, too; they're quite interesting." Roger gets interrupted by a group of maniacal children before we're all ruined by the sight of his pants.
8:04: "We are parading as skeletons from the Day of the Dead." "The movie?"
8:06: Patrick Page, who plays the Green Goblin in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, sits down with Pat.
8:06:01: Patrick Page dies when a light falls on his head.
8:06:02: Just kidding!
8:07: Stephanie Simon's mic just over-modulated. Drink!
8:08: Who the fuck are The Voca People?
8:09: Kase is not a fan of The Voca People, who are like the Blue Man Group but more weird and less... colorful. (This joke brought to you by Roger Clark.)
8:10: "Was that Demon Pooh?" Kase says with fear and disgust in her voice. Welcome to Halloween at 1R!
8:14: "They custom-built this suit for me." Stop bragging, Pat; Regis gets his suits custom-built all the time.
8:17: Old man dressed as cop writing out parking tickets: leader in the clubhouse for douchiest costume of the night.
8:18: "Tonight, I'm the fairy godmother," says Tim Moss. "YEAH YOU ARE!" says Kase.
8:20: Sarah dressed as a fire hydrant getting pissed on by a dog.
8:21: "Have you seen many Spider-man costumes?" Pat Kiernan is not afraid to be awkward with Patrick Page, who then makes a joke about the popularity of Spider-man costumes with casts. Funny stuff, PP!
8:25: Slutty Tigger gets cut off during an interview with Stephanie. For good reason.
8:26: [RAVE MUSIC!]
8:27: Pat's mic is pulling a Schuimo right now.
8:29: "New York City must have the most creative people," says Broadway's Douglas Carter Beane while a guy wearing a black t-shirt and three plastic boobs, a la Total Recall, walks by the camera.
8:31: Roger Clark talking to the people behind Silence! The Musical, a parody of Silence of the Lambs, seems to be auditioning for The King's Speech sequel.
8:33: Crazy guy dressed as Superman rollerblades away from Stephanie Simon. As you do when you're Superman on rollerblades.
8:40: "What inspired this outfit?" "I'm afraid of squids." Shit's getting Freudian.
8:41: Pat Kiernan blows the NY1 snap poll about the costumes, confusing Roger Clark and Stephanie Simon. Maybe John Schiumo dressed as Pat Kiernan for Halloween?
8:42: And now, three slutty Disney princesses from the Bronx!
8:45: The totally responsible Jagermeister float looks awesome! (Hashtag: product placement.)
8:49: Gotta say, the costumes suck. Make an effort, New Yorkers. Where's this year's "Sylvia Plath with an oven on her head"?
8:52: STEPHANIE SIMON IS TALKING TO AN ENTIRE FAMILY DRESSED UP LIKE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS AND IT IS ADORABLE.
8:52: "The man who's name should not be spoken." Stephanie Simon, not a Potter fan.
8:54: "This is Princess Matzah Ball," says a little girl about her cat. Halloween over. Pack up, everyone!
8:56: "I dressed up like a radio once." Pat Kiernan, giant dork.
8:57: If you dressed up as tiger blood for Halloween, you're a moron.
9:03: Metro Card Man. I wish I had something pithy to say about this guy, but he's so boring my brain shut down.
9:05: The music is so loud right now that it sounds like our downstairs neighbors on a typical Tuesday night. (Play your shitty music louder, jerkwads.)
9:07: Roger Clark just orgasmed twice while talking to two girls wearing costumes they described as "sexy" and "jewels."
9:08: "You're wearing actual eyes?"
9:08: Dude dressed as a life-size condom.
9:09: Pat Kiernan finally corrects his snap poll mistake. The five people watching this stop writing their letters.
9:13: "I'm just a sugar skull."
9:13:01: "Sugar soul." Oh, Pat. John Schiumo laughs at your misfortune.
9:15: Roger Clark fascinated about how masks stay attached to faces.
9:16: "No, I always wear a skull face." Sarcasm lost on Roger Clark, who is too busy bumbling and stumbling over his boner to actually get jokes.
9:17: Drag queen dressed as Lady Gaga: don't quit your day job and please stop singing.
9:17: GIANT TAMPON COSTUME.
9:18: Pat Kiernan basically just said that he was worried about the weather preventing slutty costumes, but is happily surprised to be proven wrong.
9:21: "We're the Space Hos." Oh, boy; Clark is out of his depth with these three girls.
9:22: "What's that around your neck?" Clark asks while pointing at a girl's overflowing cleavage. This could get ugly.
9:22: Girl: "You can come anytime." Roger: "I can come anytime?" EW.
9:24: This 20-something woman dressed as "Toddler and Tiaras" has years of therapy ahead.
9:27: "This concludes our 90-minute telecast." Hey, Pat Kiernan; who's counting? Happy Halloween!