8:00: "What's it mean to be an All-Star?" asks Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann. Good question! Let's ask
8:02: Our pre-game hosts: Chris Rose and Tom Hanks from The Da Vinci Code.
8:02:10: Sorry, that's Eric Karros.
8:03: The first of what will likely be many instances of Fox using "How You Like Me Now?" as a transitional music cue.
8:05: "Jared is spelled with an 'A'" says Kase about AL All-Star starter Jered Weaver. No argument here.
8:10: All you need to know about the opening: "Narrated by Brad Pitt." Go see Moneyball this September!
8:11: Your American League All-Stars! "From the Seattle Mariners, Felix Hernandez." Sorry, Joe Buck; it was actually Miguel Cabrera. Good try, idiot.
8:12: David Robertson, All-Star.
8:12:01: Russell Martin, All-Star.
8:12:02: Me, laughing.
8:16: Kevin Correia, All-Star.
8:17: "How many people can there be?" Kase, bringing the heat tonight. Major League Baseball, 2011; catch the fever!
8:21: Eleven minutes later, Joe Buck is still announcing the 2011 "All-Stars."
8:24: One of the key jokes in the extended look at The X Factor is Simon Cowell going from a Chevy Volt electric car to some gas-guzzling sports car. Suck it, Mother Earth!
8:26: Major League Baseball honoring Christina-Taylor Green and the other people killed during the Gabrielle Giffords shooting with a moment of silence. Tear.
8:29: There will be a lot of snark here tonight, but bringing out Christina-Taylor Green's mother, father and brother to present the lineups was really touching. Shut up. You cried, too.
8:32: "The game's best are here tonight," says Joe Buck. The best except for all the best ones.
8:38: Curtis Granderson works the count by grounding on on the first pitch.
8:41: "How You Like Me Now?" in the trailer for The Change-Up.
8:43: Brian Wilson announces the National League lineup by telling Carlos Beltran and Brian McCann that he'd love to see them play on the Giants. Plus one. No Charlie Sheen references. Minus one.
8:45: "And a little squirter," says Joe Buck.
8:46: Joe Buck clearly doesn't remember that the "NA" Jered Weaver writes in dirt on the mound stands for Nick Adenhart. "[Pause] Adenhart."
8:47: Carlos Beltran strikes out. At least it wasn't looking.
8:54: Halladay cruising for the good guys. Does Bruce Bochy really have to take him out after two innings? Oh, Cliff Lee is backing him up? Never mind.
8:55: MONEYBALL TRAILER! FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS MUSIC! CHAD BRADFORD SIGHTINGS!
8:58: Jose Bautista makes a sliding catch that Joe Buck misses in right field. Guy has to be on some kind of banned substances, right? (This could refer to Buck or Bautista. Not sure.)
9:04: David Robertson — pitching because Josh Beckett had a sore knee while warming up — strikes out Matt Holliday, and Alex Avila throws out Lance Berkman trying to steal for a double play to end the frame. Still scoreless.
9:05: Just almost cried when a teaser for Warrior played during the break. It's about MMA-fighting brothers! Kase is not amused.
9:10: HR Derby champion Robinson Cano grounds out to first and can barely deign to run it out. He is the absolute worst.
9:17: If an "All-Star" is batting .240 with an on-base percentage under .280, it's Scott Rolen.
9:18: Scott Rolen strikes out. Related news: Michael Pineda (Or "Punada" as Joe Buck just called him) is nasty.
9:22: My friend John Crimmings writes on Twitter: "The only three All Stars not in Arizona who don't have medical excuses are all #Yankees." I think there were actually four All-Stars who didn't go to Arizona, but still: anyone surprised?
9:26: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver were busy jocking Cliff Lee while Adrian Gonzalez just killed a home run to right field. 1-0, bad guys.
9:27: Prince Fielder drops an out. It's called a hit. All-Star baseball!
9:36: Justin Timberlake is at the game to plug Friends with Benefits, and he seems buzzed. He mocks Joe Buck, talks about booze with Mark Grace (who was busted for DUI in June) and mocks Joe Buck some more. This is the best moment of the last 96 minutes.
9:41: "All-Star" CJ Wilson (Lost fan, p.s.!) gives up a 3-run home run to Prince Fielder. Prince is on my fantasy team, so this excites me.
9:46: There is something unsettling about that Pepsi commercial with Santa Claus dancing around to "This Is How We Do It."
9:47: Oh, great: a trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes! This looks fifty kinds of terrible. 1.) James Franco is playing a scientist 2.) It's about apes who get so smart they can take over the Earth. Unless they're bullet proof, this premise seems specious at best.
9:51: Another Cano groundout.
9:53: The commercial for the Blackberry Playbook uses "Brass in Pocket," which always reminds me of Lost in Translation. Demerit for not using "How You Like Me Now?" though.
9:55: Another Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailer. Fox, no one cares.
9:56: "You're right about Walden. He can flat out blow." Tim McCarver, everyone!
10:05: With the National League leading 4-1 as we head into the sixth, it seems like a good time for an ice cream sandwich.
10:12: If possible, this All-Star Game is more boring than last year's All-Star Game.
10:16: Bob Costas narrating a commercial for MLB Network makes me realize just how terrible Joe Buck is as an announcer. We all know he sucks, and has sucked for 15 years, but really: who is keeping him employed at Fox Sports? Get him out of the booth already! (This rant brought to you by Skinny Cow.)
10:18: Sixth inning of an All-Star Game: Chris Perez pitching, Matt Joyce in the outfield. Baseball '11.
10:20: July 2012. That's when I bet Chris Perez has massive arm surgery.
10:25: Just read on Twitter that Mike Francesa is ending Mike'd, the NBC local Sunday night wrap-up show that he hosts every three months. Now if he'd only end his WFAN show.
10:26: How old is this Jake Gyllenhaal "Stand Up 2 Cancer" commercial? Dude still has a beard! That's so 2010.
10:30: Kevin Youkilis is the Moneyball player of the game. Fox literally sold Kevin Youkilis's at bat to advertisers. Ain't that America?
10:36: This game is like watching mud.
10:39: Seventh inning stretch time, with Arizona native Michelle Branch singing "God Bless America." She's been the opposite of everywhere for the last decade. Groan! But, true.
10:41: "God Bless America" should be followed by "Lazy Mary." That is all. (Second stanza.)
10:44: Brandon League, AL All-Star.
10:47: Fox just compared Starlin Castro to Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Cal Ripken, Ernie Banks and Robin Yount. They did this with a straight face. He's hit five home runs and walked 45 times in 215 games; Jeter had 10 HR and 48 walks in 157 games. I won't even bother looking at the other players, since common sense reveals they were better.
10:49: "This is not over yet," says Kase, accurately.
10:51: Pitchers for the American League tonight: Weaver, Robertson, Pineda, Wilson, Walden, Perez, League.
10:58: Johnny Venters burns through two batters and then Bruce Bochy decides to go to Heath Bell. Just for the goof, I assume, since he hasn't used any of his four pitchers thus far. Bell does a pop-up slide into the pitcher's mound. All-Star fever, catch a mild case of it!
11:00: How much money does Jeff Bridges make voicing these Hyundai commercials?
11:00:01: This is how boring the game is; I'm thinking about Jeff Bridges's bank account.
11:03: The awkward glances between Starlin Castro and Pablo Sandoval and Joey Votto and Brandon Phillips when Heath Bell slide into the infield was almost worth watching this game.
11:04: Also worth watching for the fact that whatever team beats the Yankees in the ALCS won't get home field advantage in the World Series.
11:05: A Smurfs commercial. Insult meet injury.
11:06: Alexi Ogando in for the bad guys to make this 5-1 game a real route.
11:08: Heath Bell is utterly charming as he explains why he slid into the infield. Kinda sad that he won't be on the Padres come August. Meanwhile, Ron Washington making an unnecessary lefty/lefty pitching change. You aren't LaRussa, R-Wash. Let's end this already.
11:10: "It's the body-swapping comedy where it has never gone before." What does that even mean, Change-Up voice guy?
11:13: This game has gone on for so long that I actually thought it was Thursday.
11:16: Bochy brings in Joel Hanrahan to close out the All-Star Game, meaning he didn't pitch any of his guys. Classic move: get them to the game, then rest them. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver didn't mention this because they're morons.
11:19: Derek Jeter Jr. (Starlin Castro) makes a lazy error putting a runner on first with one out in the ninth. He's got 18 errors in half a season.
11:21: Hanrahan might be having a good season, but he's terrible. Gives up a rope single and then tosses the ball around the infield like a dope to put runners on 2nd and 3rd. Brian Wilson coming in.
11:24: Surprised anti-comic Adam Carolla hasn't written something for Grantland yet.
11:26: Brian Wilson locks it down and the good guys win two straight All-Star contests!
11:28: "So long!" Kase yells from the other room as Joe Buck relays that the game lasted a brief two hours and fifty minutes.
11:29: Ken Rosenthal talks to "All-Star" "hero" Brandon Phillips (0-1). He's excited.
11:33: Brian Wilson actually might be Charlie Sheen in a fake beard. Eric Karros is getting his lunch eaten in this interview.
11:38: Prince Fielder's crazy-ass kids are the highlight of the night. One has a mohawk!
11:40: Chris Rose (no relation) tried to get Prince Fielder's son Jayden to mimic his dad's swing again. He failed. Seems like a perfect way to end this running diary.
11:41: Actually, no: the trailer for Moneyball is the best way to end this. See you next summer!
This narration was much more exciting than the actual game. Am betting that Kase went out for a run from 9:06 to 10:48. My favorite line? "This game is like watching mud". Thanks for the laugh
ReplyDelete