The Wit & Wisdom of Gossip Girl: Tell That Son of a Bitch Where He Can Stick It

You have to give Josh Schwartz credit: He structures his television shows like films, which means you basically get three season finales for the price of one. That's a double-edged sword, though, if only because too much of the season is devoted to the lead into the "finales," but whatever! An episode like "Empire of the Son" is almost worth the squeeze. After all: OMGDAIR!

So, yes: Dan and Blair kissed (!) and the episode ended with a freeze frame (!!) of their liplock, not to return for another six weeks (!!!). In between, there was some more ridiculous corporate espionage, another terrible mom reared her ugly head, and Vanessa gave Serena her best stankface. As always, Gossip Girl was there, but this time with precious few Rolling Stones references.

"They say Rome wasn't built in a day, and yet: what a difference a day makes."

12 hours earlier. That's a lame way to start a television show, but since everyone does it, why not Gossip Girl? Meanwhile, no one does circular logic like GG, and this is no exception. Also: Good advice! Sorta. Er.
Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

"Sorry, S: Looks like your sweetheart's mom is still a little sour. But when it comes to life's bitter pills, the hardest to swallow is a taste of your own medicine."

Gotta love how Ben is still around, and now he's got his terrible mother with him — and they're both living in the Humphrey's loft! Anyway, it was later revealed that Ben's mother grabbed the affidavit with Serena's forged signature out of Serena's dresser on the UES. Because, of course Serena wouldn't get rid of that paper, but save it in her underwear drawer. Idiot.
Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

"Why would a friendship based on fight, suddenly end in flight. They say we only run from the things that truly scare us."

DAIRDAIRDAIR! It was cute that Dan and Blair knew they shouldn't be together — and that everyone hated them together — but their crazy chemistry won out in the end. Not only do I want Dair to stay together 4eva, I want Penn Badgley and Leighton Meester to hook up in real life, too. Hey, Penn just broke up with Blake Lively last fall — he deserves to rebound! (I don't know these people in real life, and they could all very well hate each other. FYI.)
Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

"Looks like the jury on Ben might be out after all."

Ding! Try the veal, everyone! (Get it? Because Ben was in jail, exonerated, and then might have been crooked because he had The Captain beat up. Because we all care about the Captain. XOXO.)
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.

"Careful Chuck, when it comes to Bart Bass, seek and who knows what you may find."

You have to love this about nighttime soaps: They're like real soaps! So, Gossip Girl was able to take a moment that happened two years ago — when Dan found out about the fire that Bart Bass covered up — and turn it into something relevant. That being: Russell Thorpe's wife was killed in the fire. WHAAAAAAAA? Yeah, this doesn't make any sense; yes, it will be awesome when the show returns in April.
Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

"The question of whether we can fight fate will always remain a mystery. But the bigger question is what happens when we stop fighting it.

Fate. That's what Gossip Girl thinks drew Dan and Blair together; what brought William van der Woodsen (Billy Baldwin!) back to the fold; what made Chuck call for Blair when he found out about his dad, which will lead him to seeing the Dair kiss; what made Serena wear a dress that amounted to bandages.
Wit or Wisdom: Wisdom.

OVERALL: For the first time since I moved this feature over to the home base, it looks like wisdom won out. And that's good, because this was an episode full of wisdom. Namely: You don't know where Cupid's arrow will strike — and you don't know when your mother will forge and affidavit, thus ruining the life of like three people in the process. Or something. FREEZE FRAME! (See you in April!)