New York, New York: 42 Inch Television Liveblogs the All-Star Game

Yes, this is a Bill Simmons rip-off, but since he doesn't really write anything anymore that isn't related to the Red Sox or Celtics, I figured I could take over for one night. Who knew that "one night" would turn into six hours. Onto the running diary! Let's go National League!

8:00: Fox starts their coverage mid-stream, like an old person telling a story. I'm barely done with the dishes people!

8:01: Speaking of old people, Hall of Famer Ernie Banks gives a "pep talk" to the National League All-Stars that sounds about as exciting as the reading of a will.

8:02: Douchebag extraordinarie Joe Buck is announcing the Pre-Game festivities, and he burns through the National League reserves. Who let Carlos Marmol in the building?

8:04: Back in the clubhouse, George Brett talks to the American League All-Stars and tells them, "don't try to be a hero." Nothing gets a person more excited than asking them to do less with themselves.

8:06: Major League Baseball destroys the whole notion of alphabetizing the All-Star reserves by putting Mariano Rivera last so he can get the biggest and longest ovation from the Yankee Stadium faithful. It's going to be that kind of night, isn't it?

8:15: With Hall of Famers all over the field at their respective positions, I can only think of one thing: how much does Eddie Murray look like Yaphet Kotto, circa Midnight Run?

8:17: Wade Boggs is announced, and though he was inducted into the Hall of Fame wearing a Boston Red Sox hat, now he's wearing a Yankees hat. Somewhere, Johnny Damon smiles.

8:19: Shunning the conventional handshake, Alex Rodriguez decides to hug every Hall of Fame third baseman. He's slowly turning into the new Ruppert Everett.

8:21: Next time, maybe Willie Mays can take the lemon out of his mouth before he goes on national television. Oh, he's always that awful and bitter looking? Okay.

8:22: Heh, heh. "Fukudome."

8:23: Reggie Jackson looks very disappointed to learn that Ryan Braun is half-Jewish. (Just the good half.)

8:31: There is a stealth bomber flying across my television right now, as Sheryl Crow sings the National Anthem. Is this a Fox tie-in for the new season of 24?

8:32: THEY ARE LITERALLY WHEELING GEORGE STEINBRENNER ONTO THE FIELD!!! This is ludicrous. George hasn't been seen in public in years, spending the last days of his life in a Charles Foster Kane-like exile. In Xanadu did Kubla Kane a stately pleasure dome decree.

8:41: How has this game not started yet?

8:46: Your American League All-Star Starter: Cliff Lee! (SFX: crickets)

8:48: Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez strikes out on a change-up down the middle, or as Fox analyst Tim McCarver calls it, "a cut fastball in on the hands." Err.

8:51: As Lance Berkman flies out to center to end a 1-2-3 dominating inning by Cliff Lee, I'm reminded that the Senior Circuit hasn't won an All-Star game since 1996. For reference, in the Summer of 1996, I wasn't even in college yet. Sigh.

8:54: Joe Buck tells us that Derek Jeter has done "nothing but win" since coming to the Yankees. Apparently, the last six years (and counting) don't count.

8:58: A-Rod comes to the plate accompanied by Mims' hit, "This is Why I'm Hot." I guess he'll use "Borderline" in his next at-bat. In a shocking turn of events, A-Rod fouls out with Jeter in scoring position to end the inning. That never happens.

9:06: Cliff Lee must have intercepted Paul Byrd's HGH delivery. That's the only reason to explain his first half and his 2-inning performance at the All-Star Game. We're scoreless heading into the bottom of the 2nd.

9:23: Yogi Berra joins Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the booth. The Aflac Duck is nowhere to be found. Poor Yogi, he can't remember Mariano Rivera's name. On the plus side, neither can Tim McCarver.

9:33: Here's a sneaky little secret that not many people know: Derek Jeter isn't good anymore. El Captain grounds into a double play following an Ichiro basehit.

9:34: Joe Buck recounts Josh Hamilton's story. Which is a real tearjerker. Who would have thought that a former crack addict would be the guy to bring baseball back from the brink of a drug scandal.

9:40: Roy Halladay gets the National League 1-2-3 thanks to Albert Pujols trying to stretch a single into a double and getting gunned down at 2nd. Joe Buck thinks this game is flying by. "It feels like we started this five minutes ago!" Maybe his watch stopped.

9:44: I hear you call my name and it feels like home: A-Rod strikes out.

9:54: Ervin Santana comes in for the American League and gets greeted by a Matt Holiday laser into the seats in rightfield. 1-0, good guys!

9:56: A-Rod gets taken out of the game in the middle of an inning so the Yankee Stadium crowd can "cheer" him. And by "cheer," I mean "treat him to mild applause."

9:57: "Fukudome down swinging." Heh.

10:02: While the American League tries to get something going against Diamondbacks starter Dan Haren, I want to bring up Weeds. Are you still watching this show? Because it's not just terrible anymore. It's completely and utterly off-the-grid and borderline unwatchable. Last night was the first time in two weeks that I didn't fall asleep during it. Seriously. It's so awful that even Mary-Louise Parker's hotness and Justin Kirk's awesomeness can't make it tolerable.

10:06: While I ranted about Weeds, Dan Haren got himself in a jam. Two men on, 1 out. He struck out Ichiro for the 2nd, bringing up Derek Jeter. I've got a nickel that he ties the game here with a single to right. I know he's not as good anymore, but in a big spot, he always comes through.

10:10: Jeter grounds out to Haren to end the inning. Forget what I just said.

10:12: "Mrs. Ripken Junior?"

10:18: Terry Francona decides to give the game away by bringing in Justin Duchchchchchchchchcer from the Oakland A's. He promptly gives up back to back singles to Hanley and Utley followed by a Berkman sac fly to make the score 2-0.

10:19: Derek Jeter gets a standing ovation as he's pulled from the game in the middle of the inning. A white shoes wearing A-Rod can be heard screaming: "You think you're better than me, Jeter?!"

10:24: Duchchchchchchchchchcher gives up another hit, but gets out of the inning without further damage. 2-0, good guys!

10:38: While walking back to the dugout following a strikeout, Ryan Braun dodges a bagel thrown at him by Reggie Jackson.

10:41: Josh Groban gets some boos as he goes to sing "God Bless America." I can just hear a stupid Yankee fan yelling, "Opera?! Not in our house!!!!"

10:42: Actually, this sucks.

10:44: Our first Dark Knight commercial of the night. Excuse me while I go into a coma of awesomeness.

10:54: I come out of my coma in time to see Edinson Volquez blow the lead by giving up a HR to J.D. Drew. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hey Volquez, go Fukudome yourself! We're tied a 2.

11:02: Miguel Tejada, who lead off the inning with a bloop single, steals second and goes to third on an errant throw into centerfield. Joe Buck says he's been rejuvenated which I can only assume is code for "got a new shipment of HGH."

11:03: Adrian Gonzalez hits a sac fly to give the good guys the lead, 3-2!

11:05: David Wright does his Carlos Beltran impression, striking out looking to end the inning. Despite the fact that the run scored because of an error, Jon Papelbon gets booed off the field like he's Alex Rodriguez circa 2006.

11:08: You're Clint Hurdle and you just took the lead in the All-Star Game. Who do you bring in? Brian Wilson and his 4.58 ERA, of course!

11:11: Joe Buck keeps saying that Terry Francona has emptied his bench, apparently forgetting that Evan Longoria is on the roster and sitting in the dugout. Whoops. Don't bother correcting that guys, it's okay.

11:13: Hurdle somehow gets two outs from Brian Wilson and then pulls him to bring in Billy Wagner. In the middle of an inning. Bad Idea Jeans alert!

11:16: After Wagner predictably gives up a basehit to Grady Sizemore, one of Fox's terrible producers reminds Joe Buck that Longoria is still available as he strolls to the plate to get an at-bat. Wagner is just itching to blow this save.

11:19: Longoria hits a ground rule double to tie the game. Millions of Mets fans knowingly nod their heads at the television. 3-3 heading into the 9th.

11:24: Terry Francona, in a battle to prove he's a worse manager than Clint Hurdle, decides to bring in Francisco Rodriguez over Mariano Rivera. As if on cue, K-Rod walks Aramis Ramirez to lead off the inning.

11:27: Francona wakes up with one out in the inning and brings in Mariano Rivera to the strains of "Enter Sandman." The crowd goes wild. A white shoes wearing A-Rod can be heard screaming: "You think you're better than me, Mariano?!!"

11:30: The crowd is now chanting, "Let's Go Yan-kees!" I hate this stadium. I can't wait to see it blown up.

11:32: Sure to be first ballot Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera strikes out All-Star Ryan Ludwick as All-Star Cristian Guzman is thrown out stealing 2nd for a double play, leaving All-Star Nate McLouth on deck. That sentence is Exhibit A as to why the AL has won this game 12 straight years.

11:34: "That was Polski!"

11:36: Ryan Dempster comes out of the bullpen to provide the American League with a walk-off win. My money is on J.D. Drew winning it with another home run.

11:42: Dempster strikes out the side in the 9th. Dogs and cats, living together as we head to bonus cantos...

11:46: I really want to see Mariano Rivera blow this game.

11:50: Russell Martin mans up and singles to right field against the Great Mariano. The Senior Circuit is in business!

11:52: Tejada singles up the middle on a hit and run. HGH is not a bad thing!

11:53: Dan Uggla kills the rally by pulling a Jeter and grounding into a double play to end the inning. UGH-la.

11:56: UGH-la must have a plans after the game. He just booted a groundball to put the winning run on base for the American League. This game will be over within five minutes.

11:57: Amazingly, the very next batter, Carlos Quentin, hits a ball right at Dan UGH-la. He has it go under his glove for another error. First and third, no one out. This game is all but over.

11:59: I just realized that Mariano is going to get the win. Are you kidding me? I hate the Yankees.

12:01: Clint Hurdle, with his red wine skin complexion, decides to have Aaron Cook intentionally walk the bases loaded to set up the force at any base. I'm sure he'll walk Grady Sizemore to lose the game.

12:02: Sizemore grounds to UGH-la who decides to mix in a clean play this inning. One out.

12:03: Longoria grounds out to shortstop Cristian Guzman, who for some reason is playing 3rd base. Two outs.

12:04: Miguel Tejada is AMAZING! HGH FOR LIFE! He just made a SICK play to end the inning and save the game for the NL. And Mariano is denied the win. Happiness!

12:08: Tim McCarver and Joe Buck start throwing the "t-word" around ("Maybe this game will end in a TIE again.") Trying his best to prevent that from happening, Adrian Gonzalez leads off the 11th with a single.

12:12: David Wright strikes out again. At least he swung this time. Buck and McCarver are right: I think this game might end in a tie.

12:15: Disgracefully, Fox finally mentions Bobby Murcer's death for the first time in the broadcast at 12:15AM. Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourselves, Fox. How did you not mention his death three hours ago?

12:16: Ian Kinsler singles to start the bottom of the 11th and is then thrown out stealing 2nd on a bad call by the ump. Thanks for nothing. Just end the game already. I want to go to bed.

12:20: Cook walks Dioner Navarro and then gives up a ground single to J.D. Drew. As Ol' Blue Eyes would say, "and now, the end is near."

12:22: Michael Young singles up the middle. Dioner Navarro rounds third and will score to end the game! Oh wait, he's thrown out by Nate McLouth. Your 2008 All-Star Game ladies and gents!

12:25: Cristian Guzman, again playing third for no reason, makes a slick play to end the inning. This game will literally never end.

12:28: For seemingly the 10th straight inning, the National League gets the lead runner on base.

12:30: With runners on 2nd and 3rd, UGH-la strikes out. He absolutely sucks.

12:33: There might be 10,000 people left at Yankee Stadium right now. The Major League Baseball All-Star Game! This time it counts!

12:36: George Sherill comes in and strikes out Adrian Gonzalez to end the top of the 12th. In a related story, my eyes are burning.

12:39: Fox almost misses the game winning home run by Carlos Guillen, which turns out to be a double off the wall. That would have been fitting. Guillen stands on 2nd, ready to score the winning run. If the American League doesn't win now, they should forfeit.

12:40: Sizemore grounds out to UGH-la, who tries his best to make an error but fails. The winning run now stands 90 feet away with one out. A fly ball or a well placed ground ball can win it.

12:43: Evan Longoria strikes out. Sigh.

12:45: Aaron Cook gets out of yet another jam. He has King Kong biscuits. I came into the game hating him, but now I love the goofy looking bastard. What an amazing job.

12:51: Another inning, another lead off hit (this time by David Wright) and another blown opportunity, as a Cristian Guzman sac bunt attempt gets short circuited and Wright is thrown out at 2nd.

12:55: Sherill gets out of the inning, sending us to the bottom of the 13th. I am delirious folks. On the plus side, Carlos Marmol is coming into the game, and he will surely lose this.

1:00: And we've hit 1AM. Wouldn't you know it, Dan UGH-la makes his 3rd error of the game. Why not?

1:05: Marmol had a 13.50 ERA since the middle of June, so naturally he just dominated the AL All-Stars to get out of an UGH-la created jam. This game is unbelievable.

1:06: Maybe it's because I'm exhausted, but the Prison Break commercial that Fox just ran made the show look incredible.

1:12: The 14th Inning Stretch!

1:14: Brandon Webb, looking like he could only be more thrilled if he were on the Bataan Death March, comes in to destroy his arm for the 2nd half of the season. Carlos Guillen greets him with a rope that Miguel Tejada snares. If the National League can actually win this, Tejada has to be the MVP.

1:17: As Webb strikes out Evan Longoria to end the 14th, I just saw a story that Amy Poehler is leaving SNL to star in the now non spin-off of The Office. Apparently it's just produced by The Office crew. That's the best decision that NBC has made in years. A Thursday night with The Office, 30 Rock and "whatever this Amy Poehler show is going to be called" sounds like my kind of party.

1:21: Terry Francona lets Clint Hurdle know that he's not the only manager who can blow out the arm of a young, rising star as he brings in Scott Kazmir, who threw 104 pitches on Sunday. He also happens to be the last AL pitcher standing. The former Mets prospect gets Dan UGH-la to strike out. Naturally.

1:25: David Wright walks on four pitches as Kazmir shakes his arm out. I'm not a doctor, but I doubt this is going to end well.

1:26: Cristian Guzman grounds out to first to end the inning. All 15 Tampa Bay Rays fans are hoping that the American League can win the game here to prevent Kazmir from throwing any more pitches.

1:29: Brad Lidge, the human blown save, comes in to pitch for the National League. He's the last man standing for the NL. Justin Morneau says hello to him by singling to start the 15th.

1:33: Alright, now we're cooking. Lidge has given up three smoked balls in the inning. 1st and 2nd, one out. J.D. Drew the batter.

1:35: J.D. Drew walks on four pitches. Bases loaded. A fly ball can win it.

1:37: Michael Young hits a pop up to right. Sac fly! Ball game over! The American League wins. Nothing says exciting like a game winning sac fly. I could go to bed right now, but I want to see who wins the MVP. I'm guessing it'll be J.D. Drew.

1:44: "Women should not take or handle Avodart."

1:46: The relief on Bud Selig's face is palpable. He looks like a person who got a negative HIV Test result. All Selig would need is another All-Star Game tie on his record. Meanwhile, J.D. Drew wins the MVP and gets booed by the 124 Yankee fans still left in the building. All class, Yankee fans.

1:49: Finally, the broadcast is over. Frank Sinatra, take us away.