I Drink Your Milkshake

I will admit upfront that what will follow is probably the easiest form of content creation I can think of on a Saturday morning. Ranking the years best performances is neither groundbreaking or original. In fact, most of the time when it's done, the person doing the ranking is simply listing off their favorite actors. It's the critical equivalent of Tiger Beat.

So in lieu of just boring you to death with little Bon mots about the same old great performances that I've gone on and on about over the past few months, I'm going to try something a little different.

And fine, if you want convention, the best performances of the year are as follows: Matthew Fox, James Gandolfini, Jon Hamm, Alec Baldwin, Steve Carrell, Mary Louise-Parker, Marcia Cross, Edie Falco, Chandra Wilson and Tina Fey.

There, happy?

No, me neither.

Merry Ludachristmas

Over the next couple of weeks everything from the New York Times to the Billings Outpost will trot out their annual top ten lists for music, movies and television. And in addition to the number ten, these lists will all have two things in common. First, they'll be filled with look-how-smart-I-am prose, including at least one mention of the term "economical," the critical buzzword of 2007. (Example: "Dexter features not only the most exquisitely sharp dialogue in the television landscape, but a perfectly economical way with its storytelling.")

And second, they'll all contain at least two off-the-reservation picks that scream "I am way cooler than you." (I predict that Tell Me You Love Me will be at the top of more than a few of the year end lists--a show that will allow writers to fill both of the aforementioned quotas.)

Here at 42 Inch Television however, I'll have none of that. (Well, except for the look-how-smart-I-am prose, because come on, that's what makes you want to read this, right?) Nope, in lieu of a dusty old top-ten list, I'm flipping the script! That's right, no top-ten lists here. Because let's face it: top ten lists are sooooooooooo 2006. Five is the new ten. And with that in mind, as part of my moderately successful 42 Inch Tele awards, I'm presenting to you (sfx: drum roll) 42 Inch Television's Top Five List.

When the Whistle Blows

Ricky Gervais is ridiculously talented. As an actor, he's more than just a comedian acting, he's a ball of untapped magnificence. He's got it all: the melancholy and timing of Bill Murray, the pent up anger and body shape of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and the biting humor and dismissive nature of Alec Baldwin. And in the hands of an auteur like Martin Scorsese or Paul Thomas Anderson, Gervais would have the chance to bring the house down.

Are You Havin' a Laugh?

After spending the day watching George Mitchell tear down the very fabric of Major League Baseball with the excitement of Ben Stein, I realized one thing: the television awards landscape is a lot like the Mitchell Report.

Bear with me.

The Emmy Awards are Roger Clemens--the old war horse that has been around forever. Everyone takes the Emmy Awards oh-so-seriously and treats them with such reverence that you would think Pope Benedict is on the voting committee. But the dirty secret is that they know nothing. This is evident not in the form of canceled checks and needle injections, but rather, by the Emmy's constant pick of indefensible choices to win their lousy awards--cough, James Spader over James Gandolfini, cough. In short, they're a sham.

Heart of Darkness

You know what's interesting about Matthew Fox? Nothing. Will you tell him he's an asshole for me? I'm just saying he needs a beat down.
-- Ben Stone, Knocked Up

Matthew Fox has that effect on people.

This wasn't always the case of course. When he was big brother Charlie Salinger on Party of Five, Fox was well liked enough. The moody and responsible older brother that he played on the hit show adorned magazine covers and gave Fox the solid fan base of a teen idol. Even if he was always dark, he was at the very least, well liked. Mysterious and attractive in his aloofness.

Then came LOST.

Seattle's Grace

There are movie actors and there are television actors. And while sometimes movie actors can travel within the confines of the Farnsworth invention, rarely do television actors hit the big screen. George Clooney is the sparkling example of this of course--he was always a movie actor inside the body of a television actor. And he bummed around on television for almost a decade before becoming the biggest leading man since Cary Grant.

Chandra Wilson is a television actor. Actually, let me amend that: Chandra Wilson is a great television actor.

The Final Countdown

Thanks to the WGA Strike, which show no signs of stopping let alone slowing down, the 2007 year in television is ending with a whimper. The problem is two-fold: not only are there precious few episodes of your favorite television shows left, there is also that lingering feeling of unfulfillment. Without exception, not one show currently airing a season is going to have any sort of resolution. As the calendar heads unflinchingly towards 2008, the only words that will be on peoples minds when they think of the year in television is "labor negotiations," instead of words like "exceptional," "brilliant," and "iconic."

And that's a real shame, because 2007 should really go down in the history of television as one of the strongest creative years in recent memory.