Who's Your Favorite New Kid?: Gossip Girl Recapped

The latest episode of Gossip Girl could be the seminal moment in the young history of the teen soap. For the first time thus far, an episode that wasn't scribed by Josh Schwartz was actually really brilliant. I'm talking OC Season One brilliant.

After writing the excellent pilot and the just-as-excellent second episode, Schwartz, as is his want, stopped putting pen to paper on the scripts, and the show has suffered noticeably. The last few episodes felt really stale, as if they had been struck with a case of the "too muchsies." There was too much Chuck Bass, too much Nate Archibald and too much fighting/making up/crying between Serena and Blair--for those keeping score at home, I'm talking about the date rapist, the guy who looks like Boone from LOST but has the personality of a piece of loose leaf and the two, ri-donkey-hot, leads--and not enough of the characters that made the first two episodes so gosh darn awesome, like the entire Humphrey family.

Episode five however, was the sorely needed course correction.

Nate? We were told in the opening that he was putting his yacht away or something else completely ludicrous.

Chuck? He wasn't even mentioned, but I can only assume he didn't appear in this episode because he was due in court.

The crying/fighting/making up of Serena and Blair? Forgotten! They're once again BFF. And I thought no one held a grudge like a 16-year-old girl.

There were so many delicious moments in the latest episode that recounting them all would be a fools errand. Suffice to say, the Humphrey's are clearly the stars of the show, and when episodes revolve around Dan (Penn Badgley), Jenny (Taylor Momsen) and Rufus (Matthew Settle), Gossip Girl is working on a high level of success.

"It's a party Jenny. Either swallow that, or swipe your Metrocard back home."

No, that's not a pick-up line Chuck used. I told you he wasn't even in this episode. Plus he seems more like a "you know you want it" type of guy. Rather, that was said by Blair to 14-year-old Jenny Humphrey after she passed Jenny a gin martini.

Blair had her annual sleepover, check that, soiree ("sleepover is soooo sophomore year") and invited the young Jenny as part of some warped initiation. Being Gossip Girl, this was like any high school sleepover that I'm sure a number of girls are having all across New York. Or maybe not. Jenny drank, played truth or dare (complete with a gratuitous shot of the only two minority girls on the show making out, presumably after accepting a dare), helped Serena's suicidal brother Eric break out of his psychiatric hospital and took him to a club that was filled with 20-somethings, all while dressed in clothing that Lindsay Lohan would feel exposed in. Oh and as a cherry on top, she broke into Blair's mom's store to steal a jacket as part of one final game of truth or dare.

Did I mention she's 14?

Thankfully, at the club, cooler heads prevailed and Jenny didn't make out with the leering Wall Street Guy that kept checking out the girls. 16-year-old Blair did. And that lead to a totally convoluted situation, where, take a deep breath and jump in: Jenny and Blair called Wall Street Guy's girlfriend and informed her that Blair had made out with WSG. Then the girlfriend showed up in an angry rage, right as Dan and Serena were showing up to corral the escaped Eric at the behest of Serena's mother. And all of this ended, predictably, with Dan taking a swing at WSG, after he uttered my second favorite line of the night when he found out that Jenny was 14: "Look at her. I mean she's jail bait."

I kept waiting for him to pull an Affleck from Mallrats--"15! I thought she was 36!"

Yep, this is Gossip Girl, more fun than watching Dateline's To Catch A Predator.

"Am I early?"

As I mentioned, Dan and Serena were together for that moment, only because they were on their first official date. I love when Dan talks to Serena, because he alternates between Seth Cohen charming and Ryan Atwood completely irrational a-hole. It's a fascinating watch. When Dan arrived to pick up Serena for their date, and saw that she was dressed casually while he had a tie on, he coldly asked, "am I early," without a hint of sarcasm or irony. What a douchebag!

Then minutes later, when Serena's mom walked in, he playfully managed to seem charming and genuinely nice as he told her "I really like your daughter," without a hint of sarcasm or irony. What a nice guy!

It's that complete schizophrenic behavior that makes Dan my favorite character on the show. Dan is the best combination of Seth and Ryan that Josh Schwartz could possibly come up with--one minute, he's throwing down punches and acting like Russell Crowe in LA Confidential and the next he's stammering like Woody Allen in Annie Hall. Kudos to Penn Badgley for not having his head spin off with confusion while acting in these scenes. He might be the one professional actor on the entire show.

The big date between Dan and Serena was predictable, but thankfully it didn't end with yet another breakup between the couple, since we've already had them breakup twice in the previous four episodes. Dan tried to impress Serena by taking her to a fancy restaurant ("how is the braised quayle?"), but it turns out Serena just wanted to go to a dive bar downtown filled with "seedy locals" straight out of Central Casting, to play pool and listen to Ozzy on the jukebox (bonus points for using "Mama I'm Coming Home," though I doubt a high school girl would really like or know that song). And after being interrupted by a phone call from Dan's father on their first attempted kiss, Dan finally sealed the deal by episodes end.

Amazingly though, he didn't shove Serena down after he made out with her.

Here's the story, of a lovely lady...

I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention Dan's dad and Serena's mom, Sandy and Kirsten--um, I mean, Rufus and Darla. First of all, could Matthew Settle and Kelly Rutherford look any more like Peter Gallagher and Kelly Rowan? Second, this isn't the Brady Bunch, right? Because it sure seems like it could be. Especially since if watching television for the past twenty-nine years has taught me anything, it's that Rufus and Darla will be hooking up very soon. And that means Serena and Dan could end up being step-brother and sister. And THAT means Dan would have hooked up with his step-sister.

And that means my head just exploded.

Gossip Girl is like an Auntie Anne's pretzel--greasy, salty, twisted and probably totally bad for you. But with episodes like this, how on earth am I supposed to stop eating it up?