I remember being very excited about it. How could a show with Ray Liotta and a bunch of B-list stars (Amy Smart, Simon Baker, Jonny Lee Miller, Virginia Madsen) go wrong? So I added it to my DVR list with much anticipation.
I believe I got through about 20 minutes of it before I turned it off and deleted it. Even on my massive HD television, this show was pure shit. For shame, Ray Liotta. For shame.
So it's without much expectation that I dive into the new slate of shows scheduled to air on the prestigious CBS Television Network.
The Big Bang Theory (Mondays @ 8:30, premeires September 24th)
What CBS says: From the creator of Two and a Half Men, meet two brainiacs with a lot to learn. Leonard (Johnny Galecki) and Sheldon (Jim Parsons) can tell their quarks from their quantum physics, but have no clue how women add up. Leave it to their pretty new neighbor (Kaley Cuoco), just off a messy break-up, to teach them a thing or two in The Big Bang Theory!
What I say: I really thought this sounded like most hack, generic, terrible, embarrassing idea for a sit-com ever. Then I watched the extended trailer for it and proceeded to question humanity.
What else I say: Holy shit this looks awful.
One more thing: This isn't a sit-com. This is a training video for Al-Qaeda designed to make them hate Americans even more. Chuck Lorre, you have officially earned your spot in hell.
What I'll say six months from now: "The Big Bang Theory is a hit? I hate Americans."
Cane (Tuesdays @ 10, premieres September 25th)
What CBS says: Emmy Winner Jimmy Smits returns to series television as the newly proclaimed heir to the Duque family's sugar cane and rum empire. It's a steamy and seductive drama about bitter rivals and their dangerous battles for love, lust and wealth. Mix with a twist and you have a potent blend for the season's most sizzling saga.
What I say: This seriously cannot be a real show, can it? Listen to the voice over! It's like that bad Medellin trailer that they showed on Entourage. They should just call this show: "How Many Almost Famous Spanish Actors Can We Fit on the Screen at the Same Time." What happened, Edward James Olmos wasn't available?
What else I say: The vices we're dealing with are sugar cane and rum? Really? Have some balls, make it cocaine and go from there. If not, get Nestor Carbonell back on LOST where he belongs.
One more thing: Who is greenlighting these shows? Julie Chen?
What I'll say six months from now: "Did you see that Edward James Olmos got cast as Jimmy Smits' birth father on Cane?"
Moonlight (Fridays @ 9, premieres September 28th)
What CBS says: Mick St. John (Alex O'Loughlin) is a private investigator who has truly seen it all after being bitten by his vampire bride on their wedding night 60 years ago. He now lives between two realities, fighting his adversaries among the undead while being in love with a mortal woman (Shannon Lucio). St. John must cautiously balance these two lives before they clash, proving that life's greatest dangers are found in the Moonlight.
What I say: You know what CBS needs? A television show about a Vampire PI. If they had one of those shows, everything would be really great. Wait, did I say they needed a show like that? I'm sorry, I meant, who on earth would watch a show like that? What a terrible idea.
What else I say: How come the lead looks so much like Jon Stewart? Is that Lindsay, Ryan's girlfriend-slash-stepsister from The O.C.? Holy shit! It is! I guess she finally made it back from Chicago.
One more thing: Seriously keep Julie Chen away from the schedule next year.
What I'll say six months from now: "Moonlight? Never heard of it."
Viva Laughlin (Sundays @ 8, premieres October 21st)
What CBS says: Hugh Jackman comes to primetime as executive producer (with a recurring guest role) in Viva Laughlin. This riveting series is based on the BBC smash "Viva Blackpool." Part drama, part thriller, part musical, Viva Laughlin chronicles the story of Ripley Holden (Lloyd Owen), a man who wrestles personally and professionally to open a casino in the desert city of Laughlin, Nevada. Against all odds, Ripley strives to support his family while pursuing his ultimate goal: the American Dream.
What I say: Um. Errr. Huh. What the fuck is this? Part thriller + Part Drama + Part Musical = All Terrible.
What else I say: Poor D.B. Woodside. He went from being a wood statue on 24's worst season ever to a wood statue on a show that's going to be canceled within the year.
One more thing: This airs Sundays at 8. Which means, thanks to CBS' NFL coverage, it'll be airing most Sundays at 8:23 or 8:19 or even 8:31. Rule #1 in audience alienation: put a show on the schedule that will almost never air at its proper time.
Okay, for real, this is the last thing I'll say: For the love of God, someone stop Julie Chen!
What I'll say six months from now: "Is Jim Nance really still reading promos for Viva Laughlin during the NFL games? I can't believe that didn't get canceled yet."
I think football is on NBC, not CBS so no "overruns" - Viva Laughlin will start on time.
ReplyDeleteNBC has the Sunday Night Games, but CBS and Fox still split up the Sunday afternoon games. So on the occasional Sunday, CBS will have overruns.
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