The Empire Strikes Back: The Weeds Season Premiere

On paper, I really love the idea of a television show finishing its year with the "Empire ending." It seems though, that every single year, I'm proven completely and utterly wrong with this assumption. Apparently the "Empire ending" can really screw up a great show.

Who knew?


For those of you not fluent in Chris Rosen, the "Empire ending" refers to a season that ends in a similar fashion to The Empire Strikes Back, where all of the principle characters are off on their own separate adventures. And at the start of the next season, all of the various storylines will reconnect and our heroes will once again be one happy family.

See? That sounds like a great idea. It's really a multiple cliffhanger strategy--Can Han be saved? Can the Empire be stopped? Darth is Luke's father?!?--that's designed to keep you on the edge of your seat until the next time. It works exceptionally well in the Star Wars universe. No matter what anyone thinks of Return of the Jedi, one thing is undebatable: the first 20 minutes on Tattooine, when Luke and Leia and Han are reunited, are the best the film has to offer.

Time and time again, however, this set-up fails absolutely miserably on television. A show that closes a season with the "Empire ending" invariably stinks to start the following year. Such a large amount of time is spent digging out of the hole that the characters were put in, before you know it, nearly half the season is over. Think LOST from this past year. Think the second season of Desperate Housewives. And now, think the third season of Weeds.

I really love Weeds. I came to this party late, but I can definitely say that the second season was borderline perfect. The show is a genius mix of suburban malaise, mid-life crisis ennui, a comedy of manners and sheer absurdity. It's everything a show like Desperate Housewives wishes it was, but could never be. Add in what is potentially the best cast on a TV comedy, highlighted by my future wife Mary-Louise Parker, and you have something that should be watched by way more people than it is.

You can see that I have a soft spot for this show. That's why it's such a shame that the third season is guaranteed to suck hard, at least for a few more weeks. Last year's "Empire ending" was so convoluted, it would be hard to fit it in without having your eyes cross, but here it goes:

Nancy (Parker, my future wife) and Conrad (Romany Malco, my hero) are being held at gunpoint by two separate groups of criminals because her large stash of pot was stolen.

I think.

Nancy's son Silas (Hunter Parrish, huge dickhead), stole said stash and is now being arrested by the police for stealing Celia's (Elizabeth Perkins, professional C-word) drug watchdog cameras.

Or something.

Meanwhile Nancy's other son Shane (Alexander Gould, pretty adorable) was kidnapped by Kat (Zooey Deschanel, also hot), who is the ex-girlfriend of Andy (Justin Kirk, superstar).

I'm not sure why.

Oh and Doug (Kevin Nealon, shockingly hilarious) and Celia's husband Dean (Andy Milder, pretty good facial hair) are fighting because Doug fucked Celia.

I told you your eyes would cross.

Anyway, now, one episode into the third season, everything is literally still almost exactly the same, and yet almost improbably, more complications were thrown up along the way. It's like the show is a shoelace being tied into knots by a second grader with no concept of how to tie a shoe. I can't even being to explain what happened tonight, but even Mary-Louise Parker couldn't pull off that she was buying this. By the time all of Nancy's pot ended up in her swimming pool, courtesy of C-word-elia, I was borderline pissed. And when I saw the cloying "To Be Continued" pop onto the screen, I actually rolled my eyes.

When a show has to work so hard to get out of its own way, it ceases to be entertaining. And Weeds, I hate to say it, but the third season premiere was almost completely void of entertainment--save everything that came out of Justin Kirk's mouth and Mary-Louise Parker's near breakdown at the police station, which was just damn good acting.

Sadly, it looks as though the third season of Weeds will fall right into place with those aforementioned failures. Hopefully like LOST from this year, it will right itself and turn out to be an amazing television watching experience. But until that happens, it's going to be a frustrating watch. I know this is only going to get worse before it gets better.

I have one bit of advice to give Jenji Kohan for future seasons of Weeds: leave the "Empire ending" to Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan. Instead, stick to things that work, like writing monologues on masturbation that get delivered by amazing actors: